Holiday hotline

Currently Speaking join forces to protect our industry in their down time

To all our subscribers, from the OGs to the newbies, thanks for following our newsletter this year. It’s been plenty of fun and we’ve got a bunch of ideas we’re excited to get into next year. A big chunk of the people subscribed to our newsletter come from referrals, so if you’re scrambling for last minute Christmas presents…

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We’re coming to the end of another busy year in the world of energy. The holidays are rapidly approaching – but, if you’re in the energy industry, this doesn’t necessarily mean pens down. Instead, there’s a good chance you’ll be singled out at a Christmas lunch and dragged up to a podium to explain why power bills keep going up. Or, you’ll be straightjacketed and suffer the ancient art of drip torture as extended family member after extended family member explains energy and climate policy to you because they have all the answers and you have to sit there and soak them up. These conversations are fraught, painful and patently out-of-line with the spirit of holidays and being off work.

Just know that when all hope appears lost, this year you’ll have a safe haven to turn to. Currently Speaking will be launching a special hotline in time for the holidays. It’s a number that you can provide to the person who’s cornered you and preparing to unfurl their spurious opinions upon your ears. Come one, come all, whether they’re retired geologists, YouTube climate researchers, tinfoil hat wearers or Peter Dutton apologists.

Introducing the CSHH - Currently Speaking Holiday Hotline.¹

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Caller 1

[Currently Speaking Holiday Helpline]: Happy Holidays! Can I ask who am I speaking with?

[Steph]: Class President, Stephanie Miller-Lockley, Geelong Grammar. Which school did you go to?

[CSHH]: I didn’t, why do you think I’m writing up imaginary phone calls in my spare time.

[Stephanie]: … what?

[CSHH]: Nevermind. How can I help you Steph?

[Stephanie]: It’s Stephanie, not Steph. My great grandfather didn’t luck into the Governor General position for someone like you to mispronounce my name. My daddy told me that the sun doesn’t always shine and the wind doesn’t always blow and we need baseload power. That means small modular reactors are the future.

[CSHH]: Careful now Stephanie, if you keep this up you might make it onto Q + A!

[Stephanie]: You really think I’m allowed anywhere near the ABC?

[CSHH]: I’m sure it’s on your Christmas Wishlist. I understand your dad has told you all sorts of things about small modular reactors, but it’s not really borne out in reality. Sure, solar and wind will need to be complemented with storage, transmission and distributed solutions, and no one is saying it’s going to be easy. But it’s definitely more likely than nuclear!

[Stephanie]: You’re wrong. The minimal tax my family pays is wasted subsidising renewable energy that hardly works.

[CSHH]: The pro-nuclear argument in Australia is mostly grandstanding and bad faith arguments. There’s ideological hatred of renewables, and nuclear is held up like it’s being unfairly maligned. The fact is, most of these pundits wouldn’t put their money where their mouth is.

[Stephanie]: Well my daddy did. He invested my college fund into NuScale.

[CSHH]: Ahh geez kid. I almost feel bad for you. Almost.

[Stephanie]: What do you mean? I’ll be rich forever right? Right??

[Call disconnects]

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Caller 2

[CSHH]: Hi, you’ve reached the Currently Speaking Holiday Helpline, how may I help you?

[Daryn]: Hi it’s Daryn, my relatives don’t believe that the government is tracking me.

[CSHH]: How you do spell that? Actually, never mind, I feel like I could guess. The government’s tracking you?

[Daryn]: Yeah. Those pesky feds are trying to control me, and they’re going straight to the source – installing a fuckin’ smart meter or some bullshit.

[CSHH]: Ah right. This kinda feels like a bit from 2017 or something. You’re stressed about the interval meter rollout, let me just clear the dust off this old manual. Okay. First question – do you use a mobile phone Daryn?

[Daryn]: Yeah, I got the latest iPhone 15. I just love how Siri helps me search Tik Tok.

[CSHH]: Seriously?

[Daryn]: You don’t know what it’s like. I’m an OG. I’ve been worried about interval meters for years, extrapolating all the various ways the communists are going to steal my shit and control my life by looking at my interval data. But the tinfoil hat community is changing. No one cares about the working class conspiracies any more, all these recent converts only talk about QAnon and vaccines and lizard people.

[CSHH]: Well I suppose you’ve got a point. Stressing about smart meters does seem pretty harmless all things considered. Do me a favour though, you don’t need to talk about it to relatives at Christmas time. I’ve got the same rule with my family – just eat the food and do everything you can to avoid discussing politics and energy metering. You’ll all be better off.

[Daryn]: Yeah maybe you’re right… You know the earth is flat right?

[CSHH]: Happy Holidays Daryn.

[Call disconnected]

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Caller 3

[CSHH]: Hello, thanks for calling the Currently Speaking Holiday Helpline, what can we do for you today?

[Larrence]: …

[CSHH]: Hello? Is ther-

[Larrence]: HELLO?

[CSHH]: Hi sir, can you hear me okay?

[Larrence]: … HELLO!?

[CSHH]: Goddammit, bosses make me work Christmas without pay and I gotta put up with this, they-

[Larrence]: How dare you swear at me young man? They don’t teach respect any more, bring back the cane, if I ever spoke like that my parents would force feed me a kilo of Imperial Leather. I swear, when I was in the trenches-

[CSHH]: Sorry sir, it looks like you may have cut across a different phone call there – must’ve been a malfunction with the mainframe. I’ve adjusted the RAM so it shouldn’t happen again. How can I help you?

[Larrence]: My grand-daughter gave me this number. I was explaining how the sound waves from wind farms kill more people than coal and she said I should call this number. However, I must say, I find your attitude extremely disappointing.

[CSHH]: We can’t choose our family eh? Well, let’s start with those sound waves. If you’re worried about wind farms I’m guessing you’re rural or regional?

[Larrence]: Yes yes, I’m from the Shire.

[CSHH]: … like southern Sydney?

[Larrence]: Yes.

[CSHH]: And you’re worried about wind farms?

[Larrence]: Hmmm?

[CSHH]: Specifically, you’re worried you might be impacted by hearing wind farms?

[Larrence]: Say again?

[CSHH]: … what the fuck am I doing with my life.

[Larrence]: RIGHTO BUCKO, you think I’m gon-

[Call disconnects]

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Caller 4

[CSHH]: Welcome to the Currently Speaking Holiday Hotline. Sorry if I sound a little tired, it’s been a big shift and you’re my last caller today! How can I help?

[Generic person]: Well, not so much of a holiday thing, but I saw you guys claim you’re the number one energy substack covering the National Electricity Market.

[CSHH]: Oh, what a pleasant surprise! Thank you, that’s very nice of you.

[Generic person]: How did you decide you’re the number 1?

[CSHH]: Great question, we’ve got some in-depth-

[Generic person]: Is it because there’s no other NEM-focused energy substacks?

[CSHH]: Now hang on just a second, sure that’s ONE of the reasons but-

[Generic person]: So if I start a substack and talk about the NEM, I could have the number one spot?

[CSHH]: Let’s slow down here! Who is this? Is that you Mitch? It takes years of experience and long hours to craft the memes we pad out our articles with.

[Generic person]: Thanks for the idea! [Hangs up]

[CSHH]: Are you still there Generic person? Generic person?? … Well shit, time to update the tag line.

[Call disconnects]

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Things happen

• AEMO has released it’s draft Integrated System Plan for 2024. The ISP is the keystone AEMO document outlining large scale planning for the NEM and what’s in store in the decades ahead.

• In case you hadn’t enough extreme weather and climate change news for 2023, northern Queensland has been devastated by floods.

• COP28 happened. In an oil state. And we got agreement that we should ‘transition’ away from fossil fuels, which, yeah, is exactly as wishy-washy as you think it is. Hooray.

1. We were inspired to write this post after reading a brilliant article from Fingers, a newsletter about the booze industry. Check out that article here.